silly fears..

Tomorrow is our first meeting with The Cancer Team. With any luck, this is when we get some answers. This is when we find out how bad it isn't and what the game plan is. This is when we get some sort of idea of what the next x months of our lives are going to look like and what to expect. Which means that tonight is the last chance that I have to post about all of my worries before they are alleviated (because, deep down, against my better judgement, I'm an optimist). 

I worry about losing her. Which is silly, because we've already been basically told that this isn't going to happen (it hasn't been ruled out outright, but it seems pretty far-fetched at this point). That's good, but then I worry things like "what if this is the first in a series of cancers and illness that spirals down until the worst." I think about how I would be lost without her. About how, even though we've been together for years, and only married for one, every day she becomes more and more a part of me. Especially over this past year. I think about the fact that I don't think there will ever be anyone that gets it. I think about how I wouldn't have the effort. 

I wonder what I would do. I think that what I would like to do is leave the country. Leave it all behind me and utterly change my lifestyle to the point that it's not even recognizable and bury myself somewhere...else. But I know that this is not what I would actually do. What I would actually do is bury myself in books. I would knock the crap out of law school, not bothering to take note of anything else along the way. I would knock the crap out of the beginning of my career. I would conquer. And realizing that this is what I would do helps me to realize that this is what I should do, anyway. Without completely burying myself. But maybe I need to focus more on things that matter, and less on video games. So that when she is better, we can eventually fulfill the sorts of potentials that we possess, because otherwise what's the point? 

I realize that the thought of losing her is far fetched. I am so glad it is. But I find it impossible not to consider in this situation. 

The next worry is that we may not be able to have children. I have to admit that this thought bothers me more than I thought it would. It is still not so much that I would mind terribly, I've always thought that adoption was a perfectly acceptable and much needed option. But I know how important it is to her. And I've gotten used to the idea that that's what was going to happen, I built up this little image in my head, this fantasy plan about how it would all go, and so it's hard to let go of that. 

Add to that the understanding of how important it is to her. I know that this would be a devastating blow, and I'm scared of what kind of impact this would have on her. I also feel somehow responsible. In the sense that, although neither one of us has been really ready (who is, right?), it's been me that's more or less been saying "not until the first year of law school is done," since I had the inclination to go to law school. Every year she gets a bit more baby crazy, and every year I delay. 

Another fear is a mastectomy. This for numerous reasons. The first being her well being. I don't really know what kind of an impact something like that would have on her. How could anybody. What will it do to her self image? To her sex drive? How do I reassure her that I'm going to think she's sexy no matter what (I do know this. Which is comforting. It's the kind of thing that you think about in some weird thought experiment and you hope the answer is noble, but you never really know until you're faced with a certain predicament.)

If that happens, what will I think about it. Right now I am very confident that I don't really care. If my wife's breast is a threat to her continued existence, then breast be damned. Seriously. But also, let's face it, I'm a man. What would it be like after the fact? Hopefully we don't have to find out. But I'm trying to be prepared just in case we do. 

The last big concern is of a financial nature. It's not as bad as it could be. Thanks to insurance, we won't have to worry about bankruptcy. But things are going to be rough, for a while anyway. Just when we should be starting to recover from it all, the fiscal year is going to roll over, and it all starts again. Hurrah. 

That's it. Those are the main fears that I have. Tomorrow, with luck, they will mostly be put to rest.