Anger

I've never been one to wear my heart on my sleeve. I believe that generally, even when people think that they know what I am feeling, it is only insofar as I want them to know what I am feeling. Overall I would say that people probably think that I am a far easier read than is the case. So it is with full understanding that the following is my own doing, that I am fully responsible for my present situation.

I don't know who to turn to for support. There is a general overwhelming showing of people who are more than willing to offer said support, but a fairly lackluster turnout of people who know how.

When I was away it was just a matter of time before I learned to replace my social dependencies with an internal support system. I was alone. That was the way it was. Just deal with the problem and move on. But being back here. Being around people that I care about deeply. It's just so hard to accept that this is the way it is. Just deal with it and move on. Sometimes I feel like one of those people in that nightmare situation where they are awake and fully aware of their surroundings, but have no way whatsoever to communicate with anyone around them.

I don't want to talk about it. I really don't. I don't want to look you, or anyone in the eye, and have the conversation about what's going on. But I still want you to reinforce that you can hear me. That you are all my family. And I want you to have a better idea of who I really am. Of how I actually feel. That's what this is all about. I can sit here, and I can write it down. This is my therapy. But it only works if I know you're listening. This is all so pointless if I am just talking to myself.

Typically there is one person that I have somehow, miraculously, managed to teach the secret code. The official language of the men in my family, communicated entirely through subtle body language and eye contact. It's a language that can only be read through empathy. But right now that person is having a hard enough go of it as it is, and I can't vent.

I am always a somewhat angry person. I have a very hard time dealing with people's utter lack of compassion for one another. My response to the overall lack of empathy that other people seem to display every single day is, somewhat ironically, anger.

Don't get me wrong. I know that there is a level of hypocrisy at work here. It's impossible to be human without being flawed. I know that I occasionally drive erratically, or that I also occasionally have too much to drink at the bar. I know that I probably do a slew of things that annoy others, but here's the thing. I try, really, really hard, to consider those around me. I attempt to consider the people who have to clean up after me, the people who have to wait behind me because I am making an illegal left-hand turn, the people at the other table who are just trying to have a conversation. So when other people, when seemingly all the other people, don't have these considerations, I get upset. Why does anybody pretend that it's the Golden Rule? It's obviously far less valuable than that.

In the past, I've been able to vent. I've been able to let it go. I move on. Lately, though, I swear it's just building and building like a little pressure cooker. I know that this is the result of several factors. I know that quitting smoking makes people irritable. I know that my wife having cancer is an added stressor. The same is true of all of the extra work, the compressed schedule in anticipation of law school, and the nightmare that I now know law school will be. None of these things help. But I swear to you, dear reader, I was starting to feel this way even before any of this happened. Now why is that?

Here's what I need: companions. I need people to help me not take things so seriously, even serious things. And I need to know that you know. I need your feedback.